Windows to the soul....

Are they? I've met a few of people so far, not as many as someone twice my age maybe, but a few. There's this person for example, I only have to look him in the eyes for a split second and I immediately feel disarmed, naked as if all and evrything I have ever thought, felt, sought and done has been laid out on front of him, the moment our eyes met. I am far from thinkin he doesn't know that, but sometimes I guess, he is just to busy noticing it, not to mention admit it to himself that the connection was made, or maybe he is just as confused as I am when we have some of our rare moments alone, but all too often has better ways of hiding it, then again, maybe that's the way it should be, you never can be sure of that, can you?



Eyes can offer so many things: Fear, Reassurance, Pain, Comfort, Joy, Happniess, Sadness, Hate, Love, Tears, a Smile, a Laugh, Change, Warmth, Coldness, Anger, Hurt, Surprise, Tiredness.... . It can be quite fraught sometimes, though this is not the only reason I, if on a decision or automatically I wouldn't be able to say right now, long ago, quit really looking people in the eyes, apart from, again, some rare moments.

It can hurt all the more badly if you look a person you love , whether in a family loving way or a romantic one, deeply into the eyes for a while; if you talk or not does only matter in a limited way; and you have to do without them for a long time. It is quite strange how one look, long or short, can change everything about a conversation or talking in longterms, a whole relationship. It can change the way you see people, how you interact with them and as I already mentioned, it can completely disarm you.

They are a beautiful thing though-eyes and one should enjoy and value any moment, one has them, can explore the world around them, can catch sight of a loved one, can detect all the small and big wonders in this beautiful world, the words may seem big, but hey it's christmas time and I am at a really low point in my life, so bare with me,

cheers Lexi

PS: oh and I am an artist, which somehow qualifies me for using big words, don't you think so?

Brackets

I am quite content with saying I'm not an ignorant person, though I have my moments which sometimes even might outweigh other moments, but all in all I do care- for people, for moments, for life, for love. There are so awfully many things happening in the world that sometimes( though sometimes often just means rarely and sometimes often means always, rarely means sometimes and always means often) I feel trapped.

If I only had the(_____) (:not sure what to enter here, is it courage, nerves, patience, time?,.......so I will leave this brackets empty for now) to write down what I (______) (:again : feel,think, want to, experience.....?).

How can I find it, can I find it, will I find it, do I want to find it? I want to know and still I don't seem to care sometimes/often/in general/always. I painted a picture for my father yesterday and suddenly I felt at ease with myself and the world, which rarely/sometimes/often/never happens to this extent.

I realized that me shying away from writing certain things has been playing a crucial part in what I think of myself.

I am trying to avoid this nowadays, so be prepared/afraid/excited/glad.

I also decided I am going to change the colour, features, title and posts of this blog as many times as I want until I feel content with it, so don't be surprised/shocked/disgusted/disappointed.

Note: Do you see how confusing/enriching/complicated/exciting life gets when you have the choice?